Make Way For Hellos

I am horrible at saying goodbyes. It’s messy and awkward and emotional and I hate it. Yet, for the next few weeks, I am forced to say goodbye to some of the people that have changed my life the most. I know it isn’t really goodbye because technology and the changing world have made it a lot easier to stay up to date on people’s lives. However, it is goodbye to way of the world as we know it. I won’t be able to just walk across the hallway to see my best friend. Instead, I am going to have to budget and make arrangements to possibly fly across the country. Now it is time to see what friendships are really worth because we are going to have to fight for what came so naturally in college. College has been a time of tremendous growth and change for me. I have loved deeper than I have ever before. I have made friends with people that I never would have imagined would have such a special place in my heart. I have been hurt and I have hurt others. My eyes have been opened to things that have forever changed the way I view the world and my purpose in it. I have been told a lot recently that I have had the most noticeable change out of anyone they know while being at the University of Florida. At first, I didn’t know how to take that. Say “thanks, I guess” and then awkwardly walk away? Say “thanks” with a sense of pride? I have come to accept that this statement is true and I am glad. I don’t want to be the same person that I was yesterday, much less four years ago. While I have changed physically and have, thank the good Lord, put the glasses away and started wearing contacts, I think I have changed the most in ways that aren’t exactly visible to the eye. I do not regret my college experience. Every single piece and every single moment have shaped me into the woman I have become. Every painful memory that at the moment, I begged for God to take away was worth it. Every time I felt rejected or unworthy was worth it because I made me long to show others just how worthy they were in the sight of the Almighty Father. Every single drop of pain I feel is worth it because it means that I have truly allowed myself to invest in and love others. So right now I am in the season of saying goodbye to some people that I immensely care for. I will miss these people but I will also take comfort that goodbyes make way for hellos.

TFA Letter of Intent

My passion in life can be summed up with a single quote: "I want to help people for a living. And I'm not talking about commercial customer service. I'm talking about the nitty gritty, helping people who have nothing, who know nothing, who, in the eyes of the world, are nothing" (Anonymous). Through the Teach for America program, I will not only be able to help provide children with a high-quality education but also open their eyes to all the possibilities that are within their reach. By joining the 2012 corp, I will be able to directly and positively impact the life of a child who might otherwise be looked over by society. I have a passion for helping those who are not viewed as significant in the eyes of others. Heartbreakingly, children from areas of lower socio-economic status often fall into this category. I want to show them that not only can they can beat the odds, but that they can set the standards by which all others strive.

While in high school, my Advanced Placement Psychology teacher encouraged me to seek opportunities that at the time seemed beyond my reach. She assured me that I was indeed intelligent enough to get into the University of Florida and so, after much prodding, I applied. The decision to apply and eventually attend the university changed my life in every way. I began to see what others saw in me and believe that I really could make a difference in the world. I owe much of my change in self-perception to the efforts of one teacher who pushed me like no other teacher had before. By forcing me to look inwards at who I truly was, I gained the ability to look outwards at who I could be become. Needless to say, I would love to have the opportunity to pay forward this gift to other students who are likely feeling exactly the way I once did.

Helping those who are in low-income communities is the focus of my heart and what will surely be my life's work. By participating in Teach for America, I will be able to assist in giving children opportunities that they might not otherwise have due to a lack of good education. The success that I achieve can be determined by the value that my students begin to see in themselves and each other. I humbly acknowledge that I may not be able to drastically impact an entire school in my first year, but if I can offer hope and possibility to even just one child, I will consider that year a triumphant success.

Waiting

If we are being honest right now, at this current moment, I cannot wait to graduate. I cannot wait to finally know what I am doing with my life, even if it is just the immediate future. My life seems to be in a waiting game.

Waiting on Teach for America.
Waiting on decisions with downtown ministries.
Waiting on finances
Waiting on friends.
Waiting on dating.

Waiting on God.

And, if we are being more honest, I hate waiting. It's not fun. Why can't I know what my future holds or why I'm not getting certain things that I want or even "deserve?" I am trying to seek after God and yet He seems to be holding out on me (more on that later).

If we are being the most honest, the last line (Waiting on God) is a lie. Okay, maybe not. I can wait on God for like minutes ... like a child. Then, I start getting impatient and want to take matters into my own hands. Not only want to but then do and it leaves me feeling only a little bit better. I feel, if only for a brief amount of time, that I have control. After a little while - or not so little - I finally break and realize that I cannot do this life on my own.

Surrender.




And not picking it back up in five minutes.




Complete and utter surrender.

"Faithful"

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms 'round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for

[CHORUS]
When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE]
Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

[CHORUS]

As a graduating senior, I cannot even begin to count the number of times that I have been asked what I am doing for the rest of my life. If we are being honest, depending on the day, I may either want to punch you or burst into tears. Neither of those are good options. But being asked that question has caused me to really, really think about what I want. More importantly, what does God want for me.

As a child, I remember always telling myself that money wouldn't matter when I grew up and I would always choose the career that brought me the most happiness. But now that I am becoming an adult the choices are not so cut and dry. You have to pay bills and support yourself. So this is where I'm at.

I was recently asked what would I do if I could do anything in the world with money not being an option. My first and lasting thought was downtown ministry. I am so passionate about the friends that I have made while at the plaza. I am on fire in my soul for the advocacy for homeless individuals. It is such a deep burden in my life and I am in constant thought and prayer over the individuals that I meet at the plaza. I truly feel the most alive when I am with them.

I don't know all the details of what is to come but I do know that this ministry has changed my life and God has used it in so many ways to transform me.

Sigh.

Every time I sit down at the computer and pull up my blog I am overcome with an overwhelming urge to blog and every time I end up not even being able to start. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I do not even know where to start. Just a few of them...

I miss home.
Fighting with your best friend isn't fun.
Neither is being rejected by someone you love.
I feel alive when I am downtown and with my friends.
I don't know what to do with the rest of my life but I'm learning that no one really does.
I am human, oh so human.
Thoughts rule your life.

Jesus is Lord.